Why Students Struggle to Talk and How We Can Help

I was out to eat the other night with my family when I noticed every single person at the table next to us was on their phones the entire evening. From the moment they sat down until the last morsel of food was gone, the mother, father, two teenagers, and (around) 8-year-old had their heads down looking at a screen. I’m not sure if I heard one word spoken besides the order being placed to the waitress.

Now I am in no position to judge them because I'm well aware everyone is experiencing different circumstances, so maybe there is more to the story than what I witnessed.

But I did see other families at tables that evening doing the exact same thing, and I see this most times I eat at a restaurant. I talked to a kindergarten teacher the other day who told me that she recently asked her students what their dinner routine is, and over half said they played Roblox or Minecraft on iPads during dinner.

Half. At the dinner table.

Before you keep reading, let me just state that my kids are not screen-free. They watch a TV show after school and we play Nintendo Switch as a family sometimes in the evening. I’ve had melting-down toddlers who were soothed by Daniel Tiger, and bored 8 year-olds on road trips who passed the time on a Kindle Fire. I’m not writing today to lambast screens and electronics or denounce any family who uses them. 

But I do want to highlight one of the dramatic effects the overuse of them is having on students. More and more, kids are coming to school with fewer chances at home to practice real conversations. They spend plenty of time communicating through messages and screens, but not nearly as much time discussing.

And it shows.

Teachers tell me their students struggle to hold a conversation, ask a follow-up question, build on a peer’s idea, or even maintain eye contact. And there’s emerging research that supports what educators are seeing. The skill of discussion is thinning out, and it isn’t just because students don’t care. It's because they don’t know how.

Discussion is a Skill That Has to be Learned

Conversation is a learned skill, strengthened through repetition. With enough practice, a student’s discussion skills move toward automaticity, when the neurons in their brains form new pathways through practice, making that skill automatic. When students spend more time engaging through screens than through dialogue, the pathways that support listening, articulating, and reading social cues never get the workout they need. So when we ask them to participate in a discussion, we’re often asking them to do something they haven’t developed the confidence or stamina to attempt.

Have you seen this? Students who are bright and capable, but freeze when it’s their turn to speak? Or they go blank when asked to respond to a peer’s idea? Maybe you’ve seen students get angry or upset and lash out in what was supposed to be a calm class discussion, but then it got heated and students didn’t know how to regulate their emotions. 

These are not moral failings on the students’ part. They are skill gaps, the predictable result of fewer real-life opportunities to talk and listen.

Skills Are Like Muscles.

Here’s the good news: discussion is a skill, and skills are like muscles. The more you work them out, the stronger they become. And so one of our tasks as educators is figuring out how to strengthen these atrophied muscles. Of course one of the most beneficial ways to strengthen discussion skills would be for families to spend more time teaching and practicing these skills with their children.

But aside from encouraging more discussion at home, that is largely out of your control as an educator. What we can do is embed discussion into everyday life in the classroom. We can take advantage of the fact that students learn more when they discuss what they're learning. Therefore, using discussion as a tool to deepen learning and increase understanding. Discussion doesn’t have to be something you teach apart from the regular work of your class, like an elective, rather it can be an essential aspect of it. Here’s an article I wrote with some of my favorite discussion strategies to incorporate into your lessons.

Modeling Strong Discussion Skills

However, the best strategies in the world will not work if students don’t know what a strong discussion looks like. If they aren't modeled for them at home, and they're not depicted well in the social media they consume— and it’s certainly not demonstrated for them in politics— then they may not even know how to do it well. 

This is why it’s important that we explicitly teach strong discussion skills, and one of the best ways to do that is modeling it for them.

Here’s my favorite way to model discussion for students in any grade level.

1. Set up the space.
   Have your class sit in a circle and place two chairs in the center. Invite another teacher, administrator, counselor, parent, or even a friend to have a discussion with you while your students watch.

2. Start with a “terrible” discussion on purpose.
   Pick a topic to talk about, then intentionally model every poor discussion behavior you can think of. Interrupt. Ignore what the other person says. Avoid eye contact. Pull out your phone while they’re mid sentence. Slouch, mumble, give dismissive responses, toss out rude comments. Make it blatantly bad.
   

Students should be laughing by now because they can’t believe their teacher is being this rude to a guest. That is part of the learning. They get to see, in a safe way, what an ineffective discussion actually looks like.

3. Pause and reflect with the class.
   Ask students questions like:

• What did you notice about my behavior?
• How did the other person respond?
• How did it feel to watch that?
• Do you think I learned anything from that interaction?
  

Students are quick to name the behaviors that made the conversation fall apart, which primes them for the next part.

4. Model a strong discussion.
   Now start a second conversation with your guest, this time doing everything well. Make eye contact. Listen carefully. Reference what the other person said. Ask clarifying questions. Share your perspective clearly and concisely. Disagree respectfully when needed.

Let students observe what a healthy, productive exchange actually looks and feels like.

5. Reflect again.
   Ask:

• What made this discussion work?
• How did it feel different?
• Which behaviors helped the conversation move forward?

These reflections help students identify the specific moves that create meaningful dialogue.

Reference Back to the Model Discussion

Later in the school year, when you ask students to participate in small-group or whole-class discussions, you can reference the model they observed. They now have a mental picture of what strong discussion looks like, and that shared model makes your expectations concrete. You can even create a ‘Ground Rules for Class Discussion' poster with them, starting that process by asking, “How can we make sure we have more discussions like the one you just witnessed.” From there, craft some non-negotiable ground rules to be followed every time the class has a discussion.

The Ideal Graduate Knows How to Discuss.

Our students are growing up in a world that gives them fewer chances to practice the kind of conversations that shape learning and relationships. And yet we still need people who know how to discuss. People who can articulate, listen, and learn with others. The workforce needs them, politics needs them, and our society needs them. 

When we model strong discussion and weave it into the daily rhythm of our classrooms, we help students build skills that will serve them far beyond our walls. Discussion makes learning deeper. It builds confidence and empathy. It strengthens the muscles that help students think clearly, listen well, and engage respectfully with people who see the world differently. And in a time when those muscles are weakening, educators can be the ones who help students grow them back.